Blind Date Part 3

Q. How do you piss off a chubby girl?
A. Stress her out until her primary goal is carbs and then take her only bread stick.

At this point I am ready to slap Gunslinger in his over feed bread stick gut and slap my flimsy, plastic, red, tray over his dandruff filled noggin. Whew, thanks, I needed to get that out.

Long story a little shorter, Gunslinger and I did not get married. We did not live happily ever after (together) anyway. I dropped Gunslinger off at home, told him that I didn't kiss on the first date, and in true immature fashion, avoided all of his calls for the next week.

The moral of this story is that you should always go on a blind date when asked... I wouldn't expect love, but you might come away with a fun memory.

Blind Date Part 2

As I was proof reading "Blind date Part 1" I realized that it might have sounded a little shallow toward the end. I was going to apologize for that, but tough. I guess this would be a great time to give a little disclaimer. I am keepin it real, as the kids say these days. I get that from my parents. My dad used to say, "If you have the balls to smell like sh*t, then I have the balls to tell you that you smell like sh*t". Turns out that this quote applies quite literally here. One more thing, if you think I smell like sh*t, keep that to yourself or get your own blog :) With that said, on to part two... So, there I was sizing up "Gunslinger" as I found out during dinner was his online sex chat room name. Excellent. Well, as we covered Gunslinger was really smelling it up and even though I was sporting braces for the second time (why didn't I wear those damn retainers) I still felt like I had some pride at stake here.
Me speaking: Hey, let's go somewhere a little less crowded so we can talk.
Me thinking: Let's get the hell out of here fast so no one sees or smells me with you and I get to find out what it means to be a born again virgin.
Him: OK

So, there we were in my car. Windows down, of course! Gunslinger is going on and on about wanting his kids to have guns and something else that sounded a bit crazy, but I had such a migraine from the mulch smell that I don't recall much of the details. I do ironically remember that "Tainted Love" was playing on the local radio station and I was thinking, "you have no idea!". While I was trying to low ride it like some wanna be white boy to avoid being seen, Gunslinger lets out, "That is my favorite restaurant. Stop here."

Man in red: Hi, welcome to Fazolis.
Gunslinger: (turns to look at me) Get whatever you want. My treat.

Now, I don't want you to think that I am knocking on Fazolis - fresh, fast, Italian. There are days that nothing will cool you down like a strawberry icey from Fazolis, but problems are brewing, just wait.

So after Gunslinger orders an addional 6 bread sticks (this is no exaggeration, I am not creative to come up with this next part) and we sit down he begins babbling about how much he loves to wear gold jewelry, which blows my mind because until now I had completley missed the 10 Mr. T bracelets that he is gloating about. I pity the fool that tries to be hair on that guy's arm. This is when he decides to go too far. As I am still chuckling at myself, Gunslinger sees an opportunity to have a 7th bread stick, reaches across my plastic red tray, picks up said bread stick, and inserts it into his mouth. Find out if Gunslinger lives in Blind Date Part3...

Blind Date Part 1

While I was walking past the break room today one of my co-workers, who is adorable and a sweet heart, said, "I have a blind date on Friday". I am so excited for her, but even more excited for me because days of blind dates are thankfully a thing of the past. I do believe that it is possible to have a great blind date, but then again I still put out cookies for Santa every year too. As we danced around the break room all shouting questions at my co-worker about, "Where does he work?; what is his name?; how did you find out about him?" I couldn't help but drift back to my Sophomore year of college and my first blind date. Since I have been in the first grade I have been crazy for boys, well man crazy now (one man anyway). I love em. I love the way they smell, the way they walk, when they are fresh out of the shower, or sweaty after a run, yum, well you get the picture. So, during my Sophomore year of college when my roommate asked me if I was interested in meeting a guy from one of her classes that she assured me was very cool, what did I have to lose? The season was autumn and Purdue's campus was beautifully full of colorful leaves and the sounds of a school year just starting. My suitor and I agreed to meet on campus at a little cafe on the hill. At the time I lived off campus so I drove my car close to the cafe and awaited the sparks to fly. Anytime that I have fallen in love it has been the autumn weather that really awakens the goddess in me :) With the breezy night a perfect 60 degress and romantic setting of the cafe, college students running everywhere laughing and buying books, I settled in with a chai tea and started to dream of the wonderful man that I was sure to meet. Not long after I began sipping my chai tea the sweet Indian aromas were interrupted by the smell of a walking mulch mound. If you are a homeowner you know exactly what I am talking about. Even if you don't have a home you can imagine what manure and rotting wood smell like. In true lady like fashion I spit the large gulp of chai tea I had in my mouth on my lap (it really was a strong smell). As I was in panic mode trying to clean myself up and hoping that whatever was poluting the beautiful romantic scents of autumn would move on...it said my name. By "it" I mean the mulch scent!!! "Evelyn?" This is when I should have ran, but my parents tried to bring me up properly and a few things stuck, not most, but some. As my gaze moved from the rather large, bright white tennis shoes, to the Jordache jean shorts, to the sleveless tee to the dandrift filled eyebrows it all became clear that my roommate hated me. Stay tuned for part two when we go to his "fav" restaurant...

Who knew I could rap?

I know that Eminem just dropped a new single, but word on the street is that he has some hot and serious competition. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that I was this competition until the day after my huge debut. The reason I say "unfortunately" is because I respect Eminem and I don't want him to start hating on me...I'd have to bust a cap in him. Somewhere between the first Vodka/Redbull and the fourth (???) apparently I decided to let the world know "what was up" if you will, via rap. I'm not going to lie. I do enjoy an occasional creative writing class and sometimes the mood even strikes to write a short story just for fun, (I am a huge dork) but even I was shocked that I could "flow". Tuesday morning brought a surprise when one of my co-workers who witnessed this phenomenon let me know that I was prowling the party looking for people "to give me a beat" or slurrying "who wants one". If anyone has proof on their cam corder I would be happy to offer you the highest bid to keep that out of the media's hands. I enjoy a quiet exsistence of gardening and working in the dental field and the last thing I need is more fans. At Dr. Dre's request I am retiring early. Didn't want to start up the whole East vs. West thing again. I'll leave you with this final note...Such a shame, didn't know I could rap, but like Jay Z, I'm hangin up my hat...
Word,
E
P.S. Thanks to those of you would offered up a "beat". You know who you are :)